Consider This My Apology
by CanIMarryAlexKingston
Summary: "She sat down gingerly again, suddenly feeling a lack of energy. She turned her head away from him, she just couldn't look at him when he was looking at her like that. "Birthday's are just pointless anyway." Where the Doctor tries to surprise River on her Birthday and ends up hurting her instead.


River did not wake to the sound of blaring alarms for once, instead it was the sun filtering through the windows of her quiet room. It took her less than 5 seconds to realise something was wrong. Quiet. It was never quiet on a school morning, her apartment block would be ablast with the noise of students fumbling back and forth, mingling in the corridors and the slamming of doors. She heard none of that. Blinking a few times to allow her eyes to adjust to the light she glanced at her watch. Almost instantaneously she jumped out of bed; she was late. River Song was never late, Mels always: bunking off was a favourite pass-time of hers. But not River, River valued her education and the last thing she wanted to be was late.

With speed that would make a weeping angel look slow, she threw on the closest top and trousers, only vaguely noticing the semi-revealing nature of the top. Grabbing all her book for her lessons before lunch she quickly made-off towards the main part of campus where all the lectures and classes took place. Glancing at her watch once more, 9 minutes, could have been a lot worse she thought.

Just as she was nearing her class she took notice of the people milling around, no concern at all for getting to lessons on time. She acknowledged that she used to be one of those people, Mels loved attention and walking into class 15 minutes late guaranteed you to be the center of attention. Those people around her right now weren't the type of people she liked to be around so she kept her head down hoping to avoid trouble. Apparently luck was not in her favor today as one of the more popular boys seemed to have it out for her that morning as they decided to trip her up on her way. Her books flew everywhere as she released them in favor of using her hands to cushion her fall. A gall of laughter began to ricochet of the walls of the corridor as she hurried to pick her books up from where they had fallen or had been kicked.

She hated not fighting back. Not defending herself. For she appeared weak but she knew that she could take them all on with just her bare hands without breaking a sweat. And that's why she doesn't. Because she's terrified of herself, no one should be capable of that.

So with a last sprint towards the safety of the classroom she snuck into the back, hoping the professor wouldn't notice her. While it appeared he did not, others certainly did. "Look who's late, little perfect River", "ooh look what the cat dragged in". She'd give credit to that last jibe, she probably did look like something a cat had dragged along the floor. Running her fingers through her unmanageable clothes and sucking on a mint she had grabbed as she left her apartment - seriously no one wanted to deal with another's morning breath.

Placing the unnecessary books beneath her chair, she flattened the notepad from where someone had kicked it earlier and looked towards the front, hoping the professor had left his notes from the previous 15 minutes on there.

There were no notes. No board. No books. Only the unmistakably familiar back of someone, and not the back of her grey going on bald professor. No this back had brown shaggy hair and tweed which she'd be able to spot from a mile away. Said tweed-cladded person turned to face the class, looking directly at her before speaking.

"Now that everyone's here, finally, I can begin my lesson. So Hello everyone, I'm Mr Smith" he said, giving a rather enthusiastic wave to the class. "Professor Binns couldn't be here today so I'm covering for him. Could anyone tell me what you've been studying recently?"

Multiple girls around the room threw their hands up, all amorously hoping to be the lucky one picked, their supply teacher much prettier on the eyes then their current professor. It was a lucky day for the blonde girl at the front. "Communicable diseases and their impact on civilizations. I'm Liliane Peters by the way" she answered in a voice far too high-pitched to be normal, to add insult to injury Liliane battered her eyelashes as she leant forward on the desk - crossing her hands underneath her chest.

It was impossible for River not to roll her eyes. She however did struggle to conceal a grin when she noticed that the Doctor looked particularly awkward, clearly not used to the flirtatious nature of the 51st century.

"Right then, thank you Liliane" he acknowledged, rubbing his hands together. "Right now, let's see".

He pretended to scan the hall but River knew what he was up to. Oh, lo and behold he looked straight at her "Yes you, the girl who came in late. Please stand up. What's your name?"

River glared at him before gritting out, "River. River Song".

"Now, answer me this, why were you late Miss Song?"

River looked down, she could feel her cheeks reddening, "I..I overslept".

"Heard of an alarm clock, terribly annoying but very useful" he smirked, smiling up at her.

The girls at the front giggled and the people around her laughed, her cheeks only continued to redden in the continued mockery.

"Right then, communicable diseases, can you tell me how the disease caeli lupus would impact a society like the plaif?"

"But Doc..Sir, that's not on the syllabus"

"Well impress me then Miss Song" he instructed, knowing River was never one to back done from a challenge

River paused for a few seconds to collect her thoughts, "Well the plaif are inhabitants of the 4th saltu planet, they are warm blooded and live on a staple diet of the native braboins. A disease such as the caeli lupus would attack the secondary lungs of the plaif. Weaker members of tribes would be infected first, their secondary lungs have either not developed fully or the plasmatic membrane have become weaker with age. These members would start to show signs of infection: high fever, vomiting, blue rashes on their skin. They soon become dependant on the healthier members of the tribe. Adult's who's secondary lungs are fully developed are prevented from getting the disease via the air due to their strong plasmatic membranes covering the lungs. However the disease can also be transmitted horizontally by direct contact. Medically-gifted members of the tribe would soon contract the disease and become bed-ridden. This stage would normally take..."

River paused for breath, quickly taking the time to calculate in her head.

"4 and a half days. Soon the local dradesh flies would become vectors and transmit the disease to healthier members of the tribes: hunters, farmers, crafters. Before long people begin to starve as the hunters have become bed-ridden and food stocks deplete - food stocks that are already low due to their inability to store food thanks to their planets humid climate. With farmers being unable to farm, cures cannot be cultivated and after only 2 weeks an entire tribal village can vanish."

River stopped talking, taking in some much needed air, blocking out the murmurs of 'smart alec','book worm' and 'teacher's pet' around her. She looked down at the Doctor expectantly, blissfully unaware of the Doctor admiring her: a beacon outshining her peers.  
As if suddenly noting she had stopped talking he coughed before critiquing her, her loved proving her wrong - it so rarely happened when she was older.

"That's all good and fine but you got some key points wrong. Firstly the Plaif mutate during the 72nd century so their plasmatic membranes are fully formed when born, thus the disease will not start through the young. Similarly it's moon, in 6092, avulsio 5 splits, with chunks of the aluminum core falling to saltu. The high concentrations of aluminum in the atmosphere quickly decimate and cause the extinction of the dradesh flies, removing the possibility of them becoming vectors. Also..."

His words fell short when he noticed River glaring at him, indicating non-verbally towards the board behind him, empty aside from the date. He gulped. 3rd June. 5123. "Oh well that makes more sense" he mumbled to himself, out of earshot.  
Her classmates appeared to be unable to pick up the finer details of what the Doctor was saying and thus responded with calls of "not so smart now, bookworm" and "might need to stick your nose in a few more books".

River grimaced, grinding her teeth together, just about managed to clench out a request to sit down.

The Doctor looked up at her confused, "why would you want to ruin the view?"

Her mouth fell open as snickers burst around the room. The Doctor quickly caught himself as he answered her request with a rushed "yes of course."

River sat down before the words had even finished leaving his mouth, she refused to acknowledge his apologetic eyes from beneath his fringe.  
Those around her decided to pointlessly comment, "caught another teacher's eye song?"," sucking up to the teacher's for grades now?", "ooh latest chapter of the slut escapades of the bookworm." River couldn't help but stare down at her notepad, cheeks going red enough to make Amy proud; thank goodness her hair blocked her face from most people.

Wait a minute, she saw something important.. 3rd of June. Why did that date seem so familiar to her? Oh.. that explains the presence of the Doctor at least; 3rd of June, her birthday.  
River had never celebrated her birthday before, she always told herself that she viewed it as a normal day. But she was lying to herself, her birthday, along with Christmas and New Year's were always extra gloomy. Almost as if they were mocking her, laughing at her for the time's she couldn't have. When she was at Greystark, birthday's didn't affect her too much, not really having an impact until she met her mother and father. She had no idea what a birthday was until she overhead a soldier talking about it after training one night when she was Melody. Later that night, she'd go ahead and steal her medical records and a few banned books from the extensive library. After searching for days through war and history books for any mention of the word, she finally discovered the meaning of the word. Although it led her no closer to her comprehension of it, she didn't understand why it was celebrated or moreover how it was celebrated.

As Mels, Amy and Rory would always invite her to their birthday parties. Amy's were different each year, the first one she attended was in her back garden, her parents had strung fairy lights along the hedges and there was an arts and crafts table in the very center of the garden. Amy made a pirates hat, Rory a knight's helmet and Mels an almost exact replica of the crown jewels. Rory's parties were always less of a social event then Amy's. His were smaller, only consisting of his family, Amy and herself. There would be a BBQ and they'd play party games, eat cake and just have a good time until the sun went down and Amy's mother picked her up, an indicator for Mels to begin walking herself home.

After attending her first birthday parties for Amy and Rory they asked her when hers was, excited to know how the crazy and exuberant friend of theirs would celebrate her birthday. She straight out told them she didn't celebrate it and if either of them asked again she'd give them a black eye. They believed her. So from then on Mels continued to never celebrated her birthday, although she'd always try and spend the day with Amy and Rory - whatever the circumstances. If that involved pretending to leave something at one of their houses just so she could see them for 5 minutes, or pretending there was a bit of homework that she'd forgotten and needed one of their help for desperately. Though on the day itself, when she was alone she'd always make sure to draw a little cake on the floor in the dust and blow out the candles - making a wish in the process. Looking back on it now she feels almost if J.K. Rowling had stolen her memories for the film, although there was no Hagrid to whisk her away to a magical world, she was stuck. In a world that didn't want her.

As she grew up, the wish to celebrate her birthday vanished completely, she often didn't even remember the day was coming up until she saw the date written somewhere. It no longer held wishes for a Mum and Dad to celebrate it with, instead it was filled with memories of training and a lost little girl scared and all alone.

River felt the same way today, her birthdays were just unhealthy reminders of her childhood, she now hoped the Doctor was not here for that reason. She did not wish to be further reminded of the pain of previously uncelebrated birthdays and hope-filled wishes that were never fulfilled

She came back slowly from her painful thoughts, noticing the Doctor rambling on about one civilization or another. Knowing that she'd need to take no notes, nothing of any importance can ever come out of his mouth. She just blocked him out, completely angry at him. But she was more hurt that he had almost intentionally hurt her. Testing her off the syllabus on a subject she'd only just started learning about, before openly stating that she was wrong - disproving her by using events that hadn't even happened yet. And then to add insult to injury he opening commented something indecent in front of all her peers. She was unquestionably hurt.  
She noticed him glancing at her every now and again, his non-existent eyebrows ceased in what looked like apology. She didn't know him well enough to know how every emotion looked on his face but she knew it couldn't be that particular emotion, he wouldn't have said all he had otherwise.

She doodled on the edge of her pad, ignoring the occasional jibe from those around her. Noticing everyone packing their stuff way, she realised the Doctor had stopped talking. Finally. Standing up, she collected her books from beneath her chair, being extra careful not to knock into those around her.

"Right class, well done. Good Lesson if I do say so myself, good luck in your semester. Remember if you ever cross a Pelivat on Mutascar 5th never offer it a Jammie Dodger and when giving a peace offering to the delgonate tribe a basket of fruit is the most offensive thing you could do. Oh and Miss Song, please see me after class, thank you." he requested, almost like a side note.

As the crowd began to disperse out of the hall she fell right into step with them, ignoring the Doctor's call of "Miss Song, Miss Song wait please, Rivah!"

As she squeezed her way through the door way, intent of getting out of there as fast as possible she tried not to take notice of the laughs and jeers of those in the direct vicinity of her.

The day only got worse for River from there.

After making it to her second class she realised news traveled fast. For the rest of the day people continued to make comments regarding her and the new supply teacher. Before lunch she made her way back to her dorm in hope to change out of her clothes and grab her books for the afternoon, although at arriving at her door she found it vandalized. Big bold red letters spelt 'whore','slut','ugly','old','nerd' and an assortment of all delightful words. She looked at them, pushed inside, grabbed everything she needed and headed towards the library. Her only sanctuary.

Before long she had more classes to attend to. After continued mockery in those she didn't dare go back to her dorm, she needed to feel safe and secure after the day from hell she had experienced. The library was a safe-haven, the musty air, the unneccesary array of plush beanbags and the rows upon rows of books grounded hair. It felt like a prison, but the good kind, a prison where she can chose her path. And that path she currently has chosen is one that requires work. So that's what she does. Her up-coming end of semester tests required a hell lot of studying, even for a half-time lady such as herself. Although she was having some difficulty, she'd read the same paragraph for the last 5 minutes and had not taken in a single word.  
She was too focused on her thoughts. What have I done to him to make him do this? Aside from the obvious of course. Why are birthdays such crap days? Why do other people reiterate things I already know? When will they get bored? And why does the Doctor keep asking me to meet him? Or more like why does he think I want to meet him?

Throughout the day, to add to the plethora of events, she'd keep finding messages from the Doctor on little scraps of paper, tucked away in corners. 'Please meet me in the cafeteria for lunch, the Doctor'.'Were you busy for lunch? How about your break in the auditorium.''You must be busy, what about after lessons by the pool?'  
River Song finally gave up. Not something she admitted readily. She couldn't concentrate with all these thoughts flying around her head. She needed to clear it, after packing her stuff away she headed out to the gardens. They weren't that far from the library, you could see them just pass the large glass window that bathed the library in the light, the dust particles dancing in the rays.

She'd always loved Luna's gardens, they were luscious green and were modeled like gardens in the 18th century on Earth. In fact there was a giant replica of Earth in the sky, almost like the moon. She knew it wasn't real but she loved the little sentimental touch that it added to the plus and it had never failed to make her smile as she was reminded of her home.

Although for the first time ever the view only caused he pain, placing both herself and her bag down on the bench she gazed up at the large orb, remembering that if she was on Earth she could be spending it with Amy and Rory as Mels. They wouldn't know it of course but at least someone would be there. Someone to drive the loneliness away.  
She was thankful there was a party on the other side of campus as the gardens were delightfully deserted. Or atleast she thought they were as she picked up the faint sound of footsteps behind her, turning around she spotted the Doctor trying to creep up beside her. She sighed, turning around and looking back up at 'Earth'.

"You know not to do that" she addressed him. Her training was still there, locked behind a wall. A wall that would only be reinforced and built stronger with time.

She heard him sigh, "Yes I know, I'm sorry. I just didn't think you wanted to see me."

She laughed emptily, "Your right, I don't."

"River, you didn't reply back to any of my messages and I know you got them so don't tell me you didn't, it's your birthday and I just wanted to..."

"Wanted to what, Doctor?" River stood up, anger coursing through her veins, she turned towards him, eyebrows ceased. She didn't give him time to answer as she continued "Ruin my birthday? Well you achieved that, well done. Wasn't like I knew it was going to be good anyway, you just helped to solidify it."

She stopped and looked down at him, he looked almost sad.

She sat down gingerly again, suddenly feeling a lack of energy. She turned her head away from him, she just couldn't look at him when he was looking at her like that. "Birthday's are just pointless anyway."  
The Doctor's sudden gasp from beside her brought her attention back to him, "How can you not like Birthdays! Birthdays are fun, you get cake and get to play pin the hind brain on the Ood and ooh musical sontarians. And you get a cool hat, who doesn't like party hats, they have little straps under the chin!"

She's had it, she just couldn't deal with him. Her anger came out: like a bullet from a barrel.

"Why do you think!" she shouted. At least he had the decency to move away from her, well she wouldn't have that, she shuffled closer. "Not once in my entire life have I ever had a real birthday. Not once have I blown out candles on a real cake, not once have I got birthday presents". River took a deep breath, her anger dispersing as her voice lowered to almost a whisper "not once has a birthday wish come true".

River looked up at his face, it looked broken. As id both his hearts had split in two.

Dejected she murmured, "Why?"

The Doctor didn't know what she was asking, why had she never had a real birthday? Why had she never gotten a birthday present or what had her wishes never came true?

He kept his mouth closed, River finally getting the guts to ask quietly "Why, why did you do that today?"

He was stumped, he really had no clue what he did wrong. River noticed his obvious confusion and took what some would call pity on him. Others would call it a curse.

"Why did you call me out in front of the whole class, not once but twice. I overslept because someone had messed with my alarm clock, I tried to get to lesson only to be tripped over and all my stuff to be kicked around in the corridor like a football. And why did you say what you did?, you openly told the whole class that I shouldn't sit down because you were enjoying the view. Do you know what followed from that even more jibes and comments from my so called peers. Calls of 'slut' and 'whore' followed me throughout the day, do you know why? They think I suck up to the teachers for grades, they think I sleep with anyone or anything that takes a single bit of interest in me, they think I'm worthless and no use to the world. They think I'm a pile of rubbish that does not deserve to be here. And do you know what's worst?"

River looked down and began fiddling with her hands."I know it's all true". Her voice cracked on the last word.

The Doctor made a noise of pain in the back of his throat, he was angry that people had hurt his River, he was hurt that River believed all those horrible things but more than anything he was angry with himself. He had robbed River of a childhood where she would have real birthdays and proper parents and wouldn't have to deal with the crap that was being thrown at her today and will be thrown at her in the future. Some days in the future he wouldn't be there to help her and protect her - not that she can't protect herself - but he's here now, and he'd be damned if he let her thoughts grow and strengthen.

"Don't say that. Please don't. You are none of those things River." he begged gently.

He heard River half laugh in disbelief beside stood up suddenly, grabbed River's hand and half dragged her along towards the Tardis. He popped his head around the door grabbed a woven basket and closed it behind again he took River's hand, to her annoyance. He walked them leisurely down the gardens towards the lake.

It was midnight blue and meter long lily pads floated atop the surface, a small fountain of an Earth Greek god was in the middle. The splashing of the water was enough to break the silence but not enough to become annoying.

The Doctor suddenly stopped, causing River to walk into the back of him. He placed the basket down beside his feet, reached in and grabbed a tartan blue picnic blanket and laid it down beside him. Not tripping or fumbling once, to both of their amazement.

He sat down and pattered the space next to him. River slowly sat beside him, her legs tucked underneath herself. The Doctor smiled before picking up the basket and placing on the blanket.

"Doctor, what is this?" River asked cautiously beside him.

"Have a look for yourself" The doctor said, motioning his hand at the basket.

River sat up slightly, before opening the basket. She gasped in surprise, it was just an ordinary picnic basket. River just sat there shocked as the Doctor leant over and began taking out items of food.

River looked down,the basket no longer seeming as ordinary, "but this is all my favourite food, how did you know? Wait never mind spoilers".

The Doctor chuckled beside her, "but where did you get it all from?"

At this, the Doctor sat up straighter, "I made it all. Well with a little help from Mary and Martha Stuart of course."

River looked stunned, "Why?".

"Well I've always wanted to meet them and what better an excuse then cooking for you."

River shook her head, "No not that, why did you do all this for me?"

The doctor looked at her confused, "Why wouldn't I?".

River shook head again, before motioning at all the food laid out before them, "No ones ever done anything like this before for me".

The Doctor said softly beside her "I did it because you deserve this River, I know you've never had a real birthday before I just didn't realize it was this bad. And you can trust me on this, this is only the first of many".

He heard River murmur, "Spoilers".

The Doctor chuckled, he still found it funny that the women who once taunted him with "Spoilers" was now unsure and cautious on using it, it was a nice change to be on the other foot.

A solemn mood had settled on them, the Doctor couldn't sit there any longer, he reached forward and grabbed a sausage roll. "Come on try it, I know you'll have something to say about my cooking".

River laughed beside him, she grabbed a scotch egg and bit half of it off, moaning at the taste.

"This is amazing" River exclaimed after swallowing the rest of it.

The looked smug beside him, River didn't seem to mind as she was already digging into an elderberry pie.

It was dusk by the time River fell backwards, stomach wonderfully full, to gaze up at the holographic and the Doctor had gone through meringue pies, strawberry tarts, sausage rolls and endless other amounts of food. He had even brought two slices of vanilla cake, where he lit a candle on hers . allowing her to blow hers out in order to make a wish. She wished the same thing she had for the last 30 years, but now she feels it may finally be coming true.

They both laid there, looking up at Earth before River yawned. The Doctor stood up, and began putting everything back into the basket, River cursed herself as she stood up allowing the doctor to fold the blanket away. River was sad the evening was finishing, but she knew the Doctor only had her best-interests in mind. Her end of semester tests were coming up and she didn't want to be tired when they came along.

They walked hand in hand towards the tardis, something which River still wasn't that comfortable with, but appreciated the closeness for some reason today. River was expecting the Doctor to leave her at the Tardis, something she wouldn't of minded of course. However he insisted he walk her to her dorm and no matter how much she protested, to his confusion, he wouldn't budge. They walked in silence to the dorm, River slightly ahead having removed her hand from his at the Tardis.

As they reached her corridor, she turned and told him he would be fine. He wouldn't listen, confused as to why she didn't want him to see her dorm. He shook his head before striding up to her door, with River in tow, head held slightly lower. Once he saw her door, and the red lettering written on it, he clenched his fists and growled in anger. He turned towards River to see her with her head bowled down, he took a step towards her and lifted her chin with his right hand, ignoring her flinch at the contact.

"River, I'm so sorry." He mumbled. He felt so bad, no wonder she tried to deter him from walking her to her door.

River wouldn't look him in the eye and just settled her gaze on his shoulder, "It's alright, I've still got the cleaning products from last week".

The Doctor got even angrier, this had happened before! He stopped and unclenched his left hand.

"River, what I said earlier, you do know that none of this is true". "You're amazing, smart and funny. And anyone with even half a brain can see that, you are beautiful, and let me promise you. You are not worthless, you hear me. You are not worthless River".

River finally looked him in the eye, her own swimming yet nothing falling.

She murmured "Thank you".

The Doctor just smiled and promised her she had many more birthdays to come. He marveled at the smile that crossed her face, she suddenly lent up and quickly pecked his lips before frowning and retreating into her dorm.

The next morning, when River was heading to her first lesson of the day she looked at the door, it was clean, no red writing in sight. She smiled despite herself, she thought she had stepped out of line last night. She truly was lucky to have him.


End file.
